The Value of Becoming 'Self-ful'

I have never kept it a secret that I have been divorced twice, and have children from both of my marriages.

With my first husband, I had four children – and with the exception of a moment of friction from time to time and some differences of opinion on various things, we get along fairly well. One thing I do appreciate about my first husband is that he has always been steadily employed and been a good provider, paying support for our children on time and without fail.

With my second husband, however, the situation is much different. We have one child together, and it is a lot of work for us to get along. At times, communication is very strained or completely non-existent in our relationship.

We do share many of the same philosophies (hence the original attraction between us), but unfortunately sometimes people struggle with practicing what they preach – (which, by the way, is always because of a wound they carry that is yet unhealed.) And if that person is ultimately unable or unwilling to do the work and bring themselves into a space of integrity, there is … divorce.

About a year ago, this ex-husband suddenly, and without explanation, completely quit paying child support.

He has never been very timely with his payments, so I waited until the entire month had passed without receiving any check in the mail, figuring he was just 'taking his time' getting it to me.

By the time the beginning of the next month rolled around with still no payment in sight, I sent a friendly reminder e-mail that read …

"Surely this has been an oversight, did you already send the check?"

The response I received back from him, while an explanation, was not what I was expecting …

"A while ago, I was 'let go' from my management position. I tried to find work in the area that would pay me 'what I am worth', but I had no luck – so I am now starting a business of my own doing what I've always wanted to do. I am in debt and I am currently making no money – so for now, when my own bills are not even getting paid, I cannot help to support our son. I am really asking for your understanding and patience – and at some point in the future when I become successful, I will make up whatever I will not be paying for in the meantime."

Wow. What was I supposed to do with that? I had a lot of mixed thoughts and emotions in reaction to the situation.

Some of them were these …

On one hand, I was in favor of him being successful at his passion – knowing his success would benefit many – including our son and myself.(After all, "follow your bliss!" - this is the very stuff which I teach and coach on!!)

On the other hand, I too had been pursuing and developing my passion, but was simultaneously able to continue to make an income while I did so – I had maintained my responsibilities all the while. And when it comes to my children, their needs and their support have always been at the top of my list of priorities.

After milling things over, I decided to give him a little time to get his act together, though I let him know that without the child support he was supposed to be contributing, meeting all of my financial obligations where our son was concerned would be difficult at best. He assured me he would 'work it out as quickly as possible.'

Months went by. No check. No communication. No light at the end of the tunnel.
Many of my friends advised me to 'turn him in' and 'get my money.' I did not want to do that. I did not want to be the enforcer of the law, so to speak … I just wanted him to do the right thing. To me – taking him to Child Support Services would have to be a last resort.

By this time, he already owed me a substantial amount of money, (because he had already not been paying me the full amount ordered by the courts previously simply because he 'didn't agree with the order') even before his payments had stopped all together.

I guess you have figured out that this is a person who believes in playing by his own rules.

Finally, I drafted a letter to him, stating how patient I'd been. I even included a payment plan which I'd come up with to enable him to bring things current in a manageable fashion (even a part time income would have handled the commitment) and invited him to make an alternate suggestion if what I had proposed didn't work for him.

I knew, and explained, that energetically, clearing up this situation would be good for both of us. I was sure he would agree. I waited for a response. I got nothing.
The next month, baseball season started, and I saw him after one of our son's Saturday Little League games (like I always did) as he was preparing to leave the parking lot. This time, however, I had shifted into a more attentive and 'self-full' space in my life and things suddenly looked very different to me.
Here he was standing outside his car with a brand new laptop computer perched on the hood, complete with a remote wireless internet antenna. He was wearing brand new designer sunglasses, and a Carnival Cruise Line's zip-up jacket. And in that moment, something in my gut told me that taking the 'high road' in this case, might just have been abused by its receiver and perhaps I should confirm my suspicions and choose another course of action.

On the way home in the car, I casually asked my son, "Hey, I see Dad had on a Cruise Line jacket – did he get that when you all went on vacation last summer?"
"Nope. He got that on his last cruise with (insert fiancée's name here!) or the one before that – they've gone on two now and haven't taken me on either one, which I don't think is fair! If he had the money last month to buy her a big diamond engagement ring, then how come he can't take me on one of their trips?" Trips? What trips? I was suddenly stuck back at the part about the big diamond engagement ring … the big diamond engagement ring … the big diamond engagement ring! (Okay, you get the picture!)

Now, I am not even going to begin to deny it … I was mad! I felt like a fool, and like my good intentions had been completely abused.

Here I was, cutting corners and practicing 'financial creativity' at its finest while he was out cruising and purchasing fine jewelry!

But most of all? I was frustrated and disappointed – because I still did not want to be put into the position of having to enforce something that was already a done deal and become the enforcer.

When I got home, I was in need of another perspective. So, I called a friend to ask for some guidance.

I explained my situation and how I felt … that I had tried my best to do things in a very good way … but that I was getting no results and that my ex-husband obviously did not take the situation seriously.

I also expressed my distaste at the idea of having to sign up for 'turning him in' to a system that goes after Dad's, encourages them to pay by continually contacting them, tapping into their bank accounts, suspending their driver's licenses and ultimately putting them in jail if they refuse to comply."That's just so 'un-spiritual'!, I defended."Do you want to know what's 'unspiritual'", he asked? "Not taking care of your child."

End of discussion.

Then, in a moment of speechlessness (which are few and far between for me!) he reminded me that all public assistance systems we as a culture have in place were born out of … spirit! There was a desire, there was a request, there was a creation … and now there is a system.

By the end of our conversation I had come to realize that in turning this case over to Support Services I would actually be removing myself from having to be in the enforcement role – because the State would be doing it instead of me.
And not only that – as long as my ex-husband chose to handle things responsibly, none of the consequences mentioned above needed to become his plight … but the choice was clearly his, not mine!

It was a shift … and a great 'A-ha moment' for me.

The next week, I walked into their office, filled out the paperwork, met with a counselor and turned over the case.

It took about 2 hours of my time – and do you know what I got in return?

... FREEDOM! ...

When I walked out the door of that office, I had let go of a burden I had been carrying around with me for months. It had affected my peace, my energy, my mood and the physical reality in not only my own life, but my son's as well.
And by taking care of that one item on my list, I was able to recapture all the energy that had been tied up in the situation and could now use it toward something fruitful in my life.

That is what being 'self-full' is! In the end – good for all concerned and bringing things back into balance.

Until Next Time …

Hugs (from the closet),

KimbraLee =)

P.S.– 'Selfish' is caring for ourselves at others' expense ... Being 'Self-full' is taking care of ourselves so that we can be there for others! Now, that's what I'm talking about!